Published in psycho.philica.com
This paper discusses issues that people have after living together for very long times. They need to frequently discuss the meanings of sex each has. They need to discuss any serious emotional problems that they may have kept hidden. Men and women have important differences that both men and women must understand. Men are goal oriented, while women stress feelings and descriptive things. Men have a prostate gland responsible for the male sex drive. When a woman is happy and makes eye contact with her man, his prostate starts being active. Finally there are discussions on things that can hurt the relationship.
This paper deals with the problems older people have living together, and offers some advice that may add happiness to their lives. Most experimental work in psychology is done with college students. These people can be similar enough so that it makes sense to select a group as a control group. Older people have such different experiences that it is not possible to have a control group. Let us consider here the subgroup of people free from major diseases. However, one would be hard pressed to find people free of psychological issues and scars.
A woman broke up with her husband as she found him cheating on her. This scar may take years to heal. The husband died from a terrible disease, leaving her a young widow. This scar may take years to heal. A man lost his young son in a terror attack, where men full of hatred took the life of the young man. When the father reads media making light of the terror and hate, and he knows one must not take light of hate and evil, this parent has a scar that may never heal. When the Jewish father reads news reports saying Jews and Arabs both kill each other out of hatred in a cycle of violence, and the father knows this is a lie similar to the medieval canard called the blood libel where the truth is that only the gentiles were consumed with hatred, the father may never recover from the psychological scars. A simple scar may be a man who lost his young son as he crashed into a tree, or a young man who died from an infection.
Imagine a woman with some type of psychological scar marries a man who never had a psychological scar. After years of living together, the scared memories may surface. It is vital that we focus on the issues. The scars may surface with anger that may destroy the relationship that lasted for years. We need to understand how a couple can best live together, and what attitudes and words may interfere.
Of course difficulties in a relationship may have nothing to do with the psychological scars; however, we must not dismiss the influences of these scars. It is important that the couple talk openly about these issues and their feelings. When starting a new relationship with a person who has scars, it is essential, very early in the relationship, to discuss the feelings. This discussion must be pleasant and leisurely, and carried out over several meetings. Otherwise the relationship may collapse after years of great living.
Over time, marriage forces all of us to be honest-with ourselves and with our mates. If not direct, it eventually comes out as yelling, sarcasm, gestures, withdrawal or spills out in inappropriate places. Honesty is best served calmly, otherwise, your partner will not hear WHAT you are saying and just see you as mean.
There are actions and thoughts harmful to good living together. Everyone has some harmful behaviors. People are not perfect, and these harmful things cannot be totally eliminated. We can only strive to reduce them to allow the relationship to continue.
Relations between men and women living together for decades are very different from the relations between college students. Very little experimental work has been done in this area. We must not think that this means we know very little. Kanazawa's field, evolutionary psychology, is part of what has been tagged the New Science, the application of the methodologies of the physical sciences to realms of human behavior-our motives, habits, morality, emotions, instincts, likes, and dislikes-that had until recently been considered beyond the reach of clinical experiment and computation. Once upon a time, we understood our social and interior lives through philosophy, religion, art, poetry, music, mythology, and storytelling-all the wellsprings of humanism. Now we forage in such fields as "sociobiology," "behavioral economics," "social psychology," "cognitive sociology," even "experimental philosophy," to plumb the deepest truths about ourselves. This paper will deal with the topic based upon philosophy, habits, emotions, and other humanistic approaches, as this is the only way we can successfully deal with this problem.
II. The need to understand each other and the nature of sex
If people are to live together and be happy, they must correctly understand themselves and their differences, and understand and agree about sex. In the next two sections we will discuss some major differences between men and women. Here let us discuss our attitudes toward sex.
Early in the relationship before having sex, a couple must have long discussions about attitudes. On the Internet there are lengthy discussions on topics such as women hating sex after years of living together. As an example I talked to my daughters before they got married. Here are briefly some points, which I wrote in my book:
“Sex is the most important, most beautiful activity that exists.” If we discuss this at the start of a relationship, the chances of losing interest in sex is less.
Let us look in the Hebrew Bible. Here the Book of Genesis lists the stages a couple go through as their sex life begins. First when Adam had sex with Eve, the word for sex in Hebrew is “to know”. The first thing a couple must do is to spend time getting to know each other by talking, and only later have sex. Next Abraham says to Sarah that she is beautiful. Before a man can have sex he must feel his wife is beautiful. Next comes Abraham’s son Isaac who was “playing” with his wife. A couple must play and have fun with other. Notice that these things are necessary as long as they are living together. They must schedule time daily to talk to each other and to know each other. A man must always enjoy his wife’s beauty, and she must encourage him to do so. Nudity on a regular basis is very helpful, for if a man enjoys the beauty of his wife dressed, he will also enjoy it when she is nude. The couple must talk about nudity. Finally play is critical. Sex must be viewed as play. The couple needs to discuss this.
Next is Isaac’s son Jacob. When he met his wife, “he kissed her and cried”. Passionate kissing is essential. Finally, after years, Jacob said, “Give me my wife so that I can have sex with her!” The Bible stresses that we must have sex as one of our goals in life.
Finally the Bible discusses Jacob’s daughter Dina. She met a young man who “spoke to her heart.” We must discuss our deep feelings if we wish the relationship to succeed.
Later on, Jacob’s son Joseph finds himself a slave in Egypt. His master’s wife says to him, “Sleep with me!” After internal struggles, Joseph refuses. The Hebrew Bible is not simply a collection of myths and stories, but instead is written to guide moral behavior, as Berman discusses. The Bible gives specific examples of proper behavior, leaving us to derive the principles. This is in contrast to American jurisprudence, where the laws state the principles and judges decide the details of specific circumstances.
In summary, the Bible is guiding us how to act towards our spouses over the years. We must dedicate serious time to talking and getting to know each other better and how we change. Women must dedicate time to make them beautiful so that their men will notice them, and never be embarrassed over their bodies, so that both will be happy. People must take the attitude that sex is play, and so not be discouraged by weaker sex drives. We must constantly passionately kiss each other. We must have one of our goals in life enjoyable sex. We must express our emotions to each other. Finally, we must be on guard against temptation.
III. Men are goal oriented.
There are several important differences between men and women. It is critical that we understand and accept these differences if men and women are to successfully live together for many years. Americans today tend to gloss over these differences, incorrectly saying men and women are just people. On the other hand, Hebrew grammar makes it impossible for an Israeli to ignore these differences.
Men tend to be goal oriented, speaking briefly and to the point. Women speak much longer, emphasizing descriptive aspects of a topic. We can understand this by analyzing primitive man. Men worked together in groups. Talk had to be brief, for otherwise the animal would escape. Every man had to stress and keep in mind the goals. The same is true today in the military or in construction. Women worked with food preparation or raising children. Food preparation was tedious and boring. One thing women did was singing. The black slaves picking cotton sang beautiful songs that were loud and clear. Women also reduced the boredom by leisurely long and descriptive story telling. Today also women enjoy socializing, with less emphasis on stressing goals.
Teaching high school and wishing to send a student to the office, if I send a girl, she insists on walking with another girl; boys are content to go alone. When mature women go on walks, they must find another woman to walk with. Once I was talking to my daughters, young mothers. One woman said she works very hard with the children. I started to make a suggestion when the other woman jumped in and said she does not want suggestions but she simply wants to express her feelings. Women are not goal oriented as men are.
Years ago while in graduate school I made a major discovery. In order to best think about thinking: Ask yourself, “What’s the problem?” Why did I have to wait until graduate school? Why couldn’t someone have told me in high school? The answer is that my teachers were women, who do not think of the primacy of goals.
When I go to a lecture, I focus on the stated goals and supporting arguments. I ask questions if I am not sure of the validity of an argument. I try to think of empirical evidence supporting or contradicting the arguments. I ask myself to what extent the lecture reached the goals. Women, on the other hand, focus on the spoken activity and the experience of attending the lecture. If I ask a woman for details, she may get resentful and refuse to give me any details. When I teach girls, I have to struggle to keep their attention on the goals. Girls tend to be content following the teacher, while I emphasize clarity and independent thinking in reaching the goals. This is surprising as, in my experience today, girls are better than boys.
Women conversing with other women speak very differently than men with other men. Women strive to keep a conversation going, without focusing on the different points raised. They tend to use lengthy descriptions, making it difficult for a man to join in. Men speak briefly, making it easy for someone to interrupt. The result is that men’s thoughts are clearer.
If men and women are to live together for decades, they must understand these differences. Men and women must understand themselves and each other. Women must not get frustrated with men’s brevity and emphasis on action. Men must understand women’s stress on feelings that are not related to action.
IV. The prostate gland
There is another major difference many people fail to understand. Men have a prostate gland while women do not. The source of love is not the heart but the prostate. There is no circadian rhythm to activate the prostate as is the case with the heart. Here is how it works. The woman looks at the man, smiles and looks happy. When the man notices her, his brain sends a message:
“Hey, Mr. Prostate! Look at this beautiful woman who is interested in you! Look at the sparkle in her eyes! She is interested in you! Go for it, Mr. Prostate! Go for it!”
“Yes, Mr. Brain! Thank you very much! Yes, I agree, Mr. Brain! I’m going, Mr. Brain! I’m going!”
Then the man starts saying nice lovely things to her, getting her interested and excited.
Alternatively, the prostate may say, “Yes, Mr. Brain, but I am tired! I am 76 years old!”
The brain repeats, urging the prostate, “Go for it Mr. Prostate! You now have a chance with her! Just look at her eyes and face!”
The prostate then says, “Yes, Mr. Brain! I am going!”
After some effort he comes marching in. “Wow! I’m in! This is heaven! Oh, wow! This is too much! Oh, oh!”
The brain then says, “Mr. Prostate, I told you so! Next time when I tell you, don’t hesitate!”
“Yes sir, Mr. Brain! Thank you so much, Mr. Brain!”
Note the sequence. It starts with the woman, who is just happy and interested in people. When the man notices her, his prostate kicks in creating the sex desire. Then he starts talking to the woman creating her sex desire. The woman is in charge, starting or stopping the man’s sex desire, while she is dependent on the man to create the sex desire in her. Some older women say they have no sex desire. No woman has a sex desire until a man, with a prostate, creates this desire in her. Since the whole thing starts with her and not with him, we may say she is the stronger sex.
Women do not have a prostate. She cannot stimulate herself. She needs a man who is interested in her, hugs and kisses her, touches her, and says lovely things for her to get aroused. In short, a woman needs a man. A man needs a woman to smile and show interest in order to get aroused. The process begins with the woman.
When we make eye contact we always get emotions. For a woman to seduce a man, she must make eye contact. For a man to arouse a woman, he must make eye contact.
Speaking of emotions, I tell me students that emotions are critically necessary for learning. Emotions are always present when we make eye contact. There are no emotions when we are on the computer. This is why I support small classes, and not Internet learning.
Some women fail to understand the prostate. I was talking to a woman who said her husband could not get an erection in spite of many doctor visits. She felt that he did not love her. Then she said that he died from prostate cancer. I said he could not get an erection due to his sick prostate, not lack of love. She said she remarried. I said she should give her husband plenty of attention. Once she gives him attention, this alone will arouse his desires and so their sex life will be very good.
Verbal abuse is a major cause of divorces. Verbal abuse is difficult to identify and regrettably can be a common type of abuse in some marriages. Not all words that are meant to hurt are "ugly words." A master at verbal abuse can damage your self-esteem while, at the same time, appear to care deeply for you. The use of words to punish is a very covert attempt to control and regardless of how loving your spouse may appear to be, verbal abuse is wrong and can be just has harmful as physical abuse.
We must be aware of the signs of verbal abuse so that we can take necessary steps to help our relationship to last. Here are some common signs of verbal abuse:
- Being called names by your spouse. In Jewish law, one may not call a person by a derogatory nickname, or by any other embarrassing name, even if he is used to it. This is based upon the Hebrew Bible. Leviticus 25:17 says, "You shall not wrong one another."
- Using words to shame. Critical, sarcastic, mocking words meant to put you down either alone or in front of other people.
- Yelling, swearing and screaming. You are living with someone who goes verbally ballistic for very little cause. In normal living there should never be a reason to raise one’s voice. Of course it is different in an emergency.
- Using threats to intimidate. No threat should be taken likely, even if your spouse tells you they are only joking, especially if it causes you to change behaviors or to feel on guard in the relationship.
- Blaming the victim. Your spouse blows his/her top and then blames you for his/her actions and behavior.
- Your feelings are dismissed. Your spouse refuses to discuss issues that upset you. They avoid discussion of any topic where they might have to take responsibility for their actions or words. “Don’t you criticize me!”
If your spouse, the person you are closest to habitually, verbally abuses you and dismisses your feelings, you will begin to see yourself and your needs as unimportant, of little consequence and irrelevant. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn't work, then it is time to consider divorce. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser.
People who engage in verbal abuse tend to be consistent over the years. When starting a new relationship, be aware of any signs of verbal abuse.
A stable and happy marriage can only be created by stable and happy people. Marriage forces us to choose between learning to be happy through honesty, consideration, and mutual self-respect or miserable through threats and subtle manipulation.
For the survival and success of any relationship, proper communication is must. When there will be less or no communication, problem will start in any relationship and marriage is not an exception here. In fact, lack of communication is one of the leading causes behind termination of marriage. Communication in a marriage does not mean agreeing with each other. Here it means discussion about an issue and ultimately eventual resolution.
 “Rational Thinking, Government Policies, Science, and Living”, S. Aranoff, pp. 191 ff (2010).
 “Created Equal: How the Bible Broke with Ancient Political Thought”, Joshua A. Berman (2008).
 “Teaching and Helping Students”, S. Aranoff, p. 21 (2007).
 Cathy Meyer, Divorce Support Expert
Tracey R Rich.
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This Article was published on 23rd November, 2014 at 18:24:49 and has been viewed 3689 times.